We had a star, no matter the extent of his genetic facial malefaction, a hot girl, the knight from The Seventh Seal, a villain played by an actor with an absurdly foreign name (seriously, who calls their kid Armand? Fraiser fucking Crane?), a well-known comic book series and, of course the most bankable element of all, Rob “Oh God I Just Remembered He Existed” Schneider.

Now, of course, at the time it had seemed like a sure buck. Sly Stallone inflicted a movie upon the world that was Judge Dredd back in the mid-nineties. I’m not sure if any of you remember, but Mr. Within ten minutes, I realized something incredible, earth-shattering, world-spearing, Britney-Spears-in-2006-ing.īeing a boy is really, really, really dumb. And so, lost and energized by Ares, I smuggled a bottle of Maker’s Mark into the theater and joined four other random-ass strangers/brave compatriots in a viewing of Dredd. It is the ephemeral calling of a deeply-seeded genetic warrior-culture long since dampened and whittled down to domestic complacency. It is the hunger of the child who used to sit on the stairs and watch my parents watching Terminator 2: Judgement Day. Well, on a Thursday night, with all of my inaptly titled ‘bros’ previously engaged, I had a hunger. Perhaps it’s simply ‘that time of the month’. We know not from whence it comes, perhaps carried on the breeze of omnipresent testosterone flowing downwind of Chuck Norris, perhaps the mental eddies of a pyroclastic id finally breaking free of societal constraints and spreading through the nexus of the human imagination and reducing members of the male gender to barbarous, penile primates. Moments when he, no matter how pretentious, high-brow, self-important or, like a throat, ‘deep’ he thinks he is, there comes a calling. “Judgement is Coming” – Coincidentally also the title of my new courtroom-based porno OSCAR PLEASE: Prisoners (2013) – Denis Villineuve.OSCAR PLEASE – Gravity (2013) – Alfonso Cuaron.Thor: The Dark World (2013) – Alan Taylor.The Hunger Games: Caching Fire (2013) – Francis Lawrence.NSFW - Geoffrey Rush's Genius Penis (Quills/Mystery Men).RELAPSE: Small Soldiers (1998) - Joe Dante.SUMMER: Moonrise Kingdom (2012) - Wes Anderson.Midnight Cowboy (1969) - John Schlesinger.

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